my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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