"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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