We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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