Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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