You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
