Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
