when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
