I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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