I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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