i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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