I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
