Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
