mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
