Just cropdusted the office
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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