did you get engaged???
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my phone needs a breathalizer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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