Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
