I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
