census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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