just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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