she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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