I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
