So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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