i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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