Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
