I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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