also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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