How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
