If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
