The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
