WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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