it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
