yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
