What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
