Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
