the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
