We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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