I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
