I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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