Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
