I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
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She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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