I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
