Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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