Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
