You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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