If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
