their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
