Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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