is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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