Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
