I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
