from now on my penis is your penis
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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