It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
