thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
