i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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