It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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