I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
