So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
