I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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