i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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