apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
