why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and she was petting her beer can
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
