dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
