even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
